3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think weed is turning my hair brown
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
