I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
