She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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