im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
