When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
