So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
