Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
