Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Randomize
