Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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