Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
