My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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