ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
