we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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