My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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