honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
