My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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