Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
