I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
