just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
