My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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