Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
