The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
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Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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