I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
