I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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