I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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