grandma shit on top of the toilet
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
