You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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