He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
