i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
