Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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