If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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