omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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