I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
