What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
