On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
even my farts smell like vagina
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
