the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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