I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
