i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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