She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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