How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
