why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
There r osticjed everywhere
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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