His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
