I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
