I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
3pm strippers are depressing
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
