I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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