Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
