I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
