Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
