I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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