Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That accounts for only three of the penises
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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