So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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