Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
