I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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