I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
