My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You've changed since you got that strap on
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