I cannot find my penis.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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