Screwed.edu
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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