I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
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Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
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Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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