I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
