Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
